Bill Gates Goes to College

Subject: FW: (insert whatever cliche corporate verbage you prefer, here)

Dear Societal Slave,

I wanted to let you know that I'm through with being a conformist consumer droid and I've elevated myself to a point where I no longer have a use for a conventional name. I do not expect you to understand this, because you are still imprisoned in your earthly body and cannot reach me at my heightened level of knowledge, fashion and uniquely designed facial hair. From this point forward, I will be known simply as:



Additionally, if you must address me verbally, please address me with your best impression of a seal barking. The seal represents my inner torment and the lust for spiritual enlightenment and the arctic darkness of my eternal solitude.

One more thing… the next time you see me, do not be alarmed, as you might think someone far superior to my former pathetic existence has taken control of my cubicle. I have altered my appearance to fully assimilate myself into the great circuiting of egotistical supremacy. To avoid blowing your simple minds, here is a nearly accurate portrayal of what you can expect of my new earthly appearance of glamour and superciliousness:


-
Seal Bark + symbol = career suicide
The Department Formerly Known as Marketing
Nowhere and Everywhere
(800)-telepathy
sealbark.symbol@noandeverywhere.com

Shane in South Park

I would pay SO much money to see this character in an episode!!!

Tragic. Just tragic.

Someone asked us how we felt about the increasing gas prices...

camping with bros. or...bro. awesome. 

I AM A BANANA!

fun with training

FW:
Originally uploaded by shanemeek.

yes, i got comments.

Hellooooo... me Oog

Hellooooo, me Oog and me caveman. Me think you should make Oog dinner tonight. Oog been eating too much brains. Me no like brains. Me want barbecued garden burger with all the fixins and low calorie Crystal Light. Then me needs to manicure me fingers and moisturize me face. Me no learn about day spa until me was 4,000 years old. Me don't know how me ever survived without invigorating exfoliating mask. Oog getting bored of typing… bored! BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry. Me go crazy when me no have cigarette. Me love the refreshing taste.

You enjoy today, and me will most likely see you later if me no get arrested again for public nudity. Me still caveman, therefore me still have stupid Cro-Magnon tendencies. Oops! Me just dropped excrement in me cubicle. Oog's boss no like Oog to go #2 at Oog's desk. Ok, me need to clean Oog's doody before horrific smell travels to Oog's boss's office. Me don't like getting fired. Me go crazy and rip Oog's head off… RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEAD! OFF! OOG RIP OOG's HEAD OFF!!!!!!!!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oog

Minne-crap-olis

So I'm sitting next to a fat guy at the Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport. End of story. I want to die.

So...

The cool thing about blogs is possibility of half truths and stuff. So like, I own this motorcycle and I ride it all the time...

... in my mind!!!

but seriously, shane, you need to add your bike that you ride all time.

Lambo-ner

Dude, those cars were crazy, awesome, drums, chicks, guns and badass! This little lady took the cake for the newer cars though! Dammit! I almost got punched in the fk'in face for drooling on the side mirror.

Objects in mirror are jealous-er than they appear.

Which is REALLY jealous!

shuuuuu-WING!!!

FUQ W@iTinG

I hate waiting. Waiting is quite possibly the worst thing in existence. The other day, I was waiting in line for food. Then I was waiting in line for the cash machine. On my way to work today, I was stopped almost twice as long as I was rolling. Yet with these examples, I'm only skimming the surface of the enormous bitch we call "waiting".

I've always been a "live in the now" type of person, where patience is nothing more than a concept of timidity or reactivity. "If I die tonight, what will I have missed because of waiting?" This has always seemed 100% clear to me, although I've always held the belief that I should live for the moment, take opportunities, chances and never have to worry about regret. But now I realize that there must be a happy medium. I also realize that there is a fine line between patience and complacency. We must draw that line and hold ourselves to some length of acceptable wait time.

Lack of patience has caused some of the worlds most significant fuckups. Did somebody say something about WMDs? In no way am I going to claim any political stance in this widely read blog, but just think about it...

These are some things that I, personally, have been waiting for and you may also be waiting for:

• A better job / job security
• Higher income / never broke
• Those damn mail-in rebates
• A certain person's returned phone call
• a motorcycle (or new car)
• Debts paid / financial independence
• Jessica Alba (or non-famous version of her)
• Travels to distant places (Europe, Asia, Costa Rica, Delaware [what movie?])
• Et-fuqin-cetera

Yeah, I know your mind is racing now. I bet your thinking of something you're "waiting" for right now and your mood is shifting slightly to the dark side. This blog entry is probably depressing you. Well, buck the fuck up whiner! Think of all the things you'd still be waiting for if you hadn't already accomplished them. For instance, think of your current job. As shitty as it may be, it's YOUR job. It's not Carl's, it's yours and you got that shitty job on your own accord. Although it is a weak example, especially if your job sucks balls, it works. It doesn't matter whether your paying all of your bills on time (accomplishment), getting a shitty job (means to an end = accomplishment) or preparing for your mission to Mars, they are all relative.

I realize that I can't ALWAYS get what I want instantly, but I'll be damned if I can't take some baby steps while I'm "waiting", thus transforming the "wait" into a series of "accomplishments". People (myself included) spend a shit load of time focusing big goals such as "being rich" or "becoming a pilot" or attaining their conceptualized "ideal life". Think of it this way; if you're waiting to be rich, but not identifying and executing the seemingly menial elements (mini-accomps), you might as well be waiting for some rich relative to kick the bucket and leave you their fortune. If you want to be a pilot... Great! How many hours do you need? How much does it cost? If you want it bad enough, show me your schematic of reaching your goal and put your finger on the spot where you're currently at on the list. If you're going to Mars someday, well... it IS possible, but if you're not setting detailed and challenging goals and giving yourself deadlines, you'll have to enjoy watching some other bastard on CNN in 2019, hopping along in ecstasy at the base of Olympus Mons, while you chug on a Miller High Life down at Big Al's Bar and Grill.

Waiting is not necessary. Learn to notice the difference between waiting and complacency. If you want something so bad you can taste it, get it. It might take a while, but you'll get there eventually if you fill the meantime with accomplishments that take you one inch closer to what you want. Forget waiting. Lines? Fuq'em. I hate'em. As a side - one baby step to solve the "line waiting" problem would be to NOT REPRODUCE. You'd be killing two birds with one stone. One less person in line; one less ugly mug polluting the gene pool. (If you're a hot woman reading this, disregard the last sentence. Call me!)

If you are interested enough in this philosophical hobnobery to still be reading this bitch of a blog entry, the entire commentary can be summed up into one sentence from the classic movie, Field of Dreams:

If you build it, they will come...

This quote's relationship to the topic of "waiting" was conceived late one night on a deck, in a conversation with one of my fellow wait-haters, Shane. (bros dude, bros.) We were acknowledging the fact that we were spending way too much energy wanting the end results but neglecting our focus on building the foundations that are necessary to support those ultimate goals.

One Life.

this is literally the biggest couch i've ever seen.

this is literally the biggest couch i've ever seen.
Originally uploaded by shanemeek.

i don't think i've ever had a harder time getting myself up three flights of stairs then this last sunday. granted, this GINORMOUS chaise lounge was breaking mine and two others' backs (one shown here) in an almost futile attempt for increased comfort, but still; the three he-men on the project were humbled by the tremendous amounts of torture inflicted by this cat smelling couch. it was an experience worthy of you reading this short snippit. have a great day. i am pain.

had to...

so cool

this morning so far....pretty good. better than most anyway. i read this morning that we totally owned this comet this last weekend. it's amazing what they're doing with technology now, i say.

Yeah, pretty much the most bitchin' thing EVER. I like how they said it was like hitting a speeding bullet with another bullet, while observing the collision with a third bullet. W-O-W spells WOW! Shut up shane. just because.

Mooooooooooo!!!!!

Moooooooooooo! I'm a sea cow! Flooooooaaaating..... flooooooating.
Mooooooooooooo!!!!!!

I'm in Love-apova

Official "Calm Hysterians" of the Week!

You're evil if you laugh.

Seriously, you're going to hell if you laugh... we're totally serious! Corky is a stallion!

Dog Dog Dog. dog.

This is Charlie. Charlie is a 14 year old shih tzu that I've had the (clearing my throat) "pleasure" of dog-sitting for the past two weeks. Charlie is a very spoiled dog as you can probably tell, but that is the least interesting detail about him. Charlie has what is known to many as "issues". Take for instance, this pillow he's unabashedly violating. Some 20 minutes after he takes his 50 pills, eats his rice/kibble dinner and rubs his face on the couch, he drags this pillow into the hallway and romances it for what seems like a millennium. The humping wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't a GRUNT accompanying each thrust. Today is the last day I have to deal with this crap. Thank everything decent and holy!

spelunking

you ever wonder just how many people are watching you pick your nose? i pulled out a big rubbery one about 20 minutes ago and it kinda snapped onto my finger (which was clean) like it had an anchoring in my nostril...i swear to god it made a noise as it hit the finger tip. anyway, i looked at it in utter amazement; just crazy about how something so huge could just come jetting out my nose. then i wondered, as i have (and have not) many times before, just who the hell is watching me admire this booger? a quick slip of the demon between the fingers and a slow non-chalant turn in the office chair, just to see who's paying attention to anything in my remote direction. nothing this time, but what about all those other times?

Cloud of Worthlessness

So, I'm sitting here at my desk feeling guilty for not having the mental capacity to focus on the projects I'm supposed to be working on. I wonder when I'm going to abandon my Teen/early-Tween sleeping schedule, which consists of small increments of sleep here and there whenever there's nothing else going on. Am I making sense? I feel like my heart could stop at any moment... that's how tired I am right now. I just ate a piece of cheesecake and I'm sipping on luke-warm coffee, trying desperately to bring my mind to a level to which I can BS my way through the rest of the day. Sleep is good for the mind. I need to get more of it. That's all for now...

is this making sense? what am i trying to say?

i've got little time so i'll make this brief. this blog is a great idea. i have to poop. my phone is missing. oooooo.....poo shiver.